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Parenting with ACEs

 Atrigger2There's something that's always bothered me about advice for parents and caregivers. It assumes that to be a healthy mom/dad/caregiver all you need is more information.....about what to do or what not to do. But that doesn't address why the information doesn't make sense, or why you try it and it just doesn't work, or why you lose it before you're able to do what's recommended. 

 

Here's a for-instance. "Healthy families eat together...so eat together and you'll be a healthy family." You've heard this one a million times, right? The people who came up with that don't know a lot about ACEs. Eating together won't make a dysfunctional family suddenly healthy. Mealtimes just become another place and time where a kid can trigger a parent/caregiver who screams at or hits the kid, who's triggered to vomit, cry or run away, which further triggers a parent/caregiver. 

 

I was reminded of all this last week, when I posted a blog about 1*2*3 Care -- A Trauma-Sensitive Toolkit for Caregivers. It's a great toolkit. But the advice doesn't address the fact that parents/caregivers have ACEs histories. It gives you great information about what to do. But very little about why your own ACEs might make carrying out the recommendations really difficult, or why they might make no sense because they're not what you've been brought up to believe. 

 

We've been struggling with this concept ourselves in one of our groups -- ACEs in Parenting. There's TONS of advice about parenting online, so what could we provide that's useful? Then I read Cissy White's essay "Trigger Points: Child Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting", and everything clicked. It's not ACEs in Parenting. It's Parenting with ACEs. And the first book we'll recommend is Trigger Points, which will be available on Amazon on Nov. 18. Cissy is one of the 20 parents with ACEs who contributed to the book, and I can hardly wait to read it.

 

 

Trigger Points has its genesis in this essay on Huffington Post -- "Parenting Survivors of Childhood Abuse Need a Voice" by Daun Daum and Joyelle Brandt. It starts:

 

I am a mom, and I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Once being a survivor started to interfere with my ability to be a "normal" mom, I started paying more attention to how and why the two identities were connected. I searched for information and personal stories, documenting other parent's struggle as a survivor. I found nothing. 

 

As Cissy points out in her blog post on ACEsConnection, she couldn't find anything either. But soon there will be something, and I hope it helps kick down that door of blame and shame so that all organizations that work to prevent ACEs in children openly address -- with love and understanding -- that their parents/caregivers are merely passing on their own abuse, and need healing, too.

 

At least three organizations are doing so. Trauma-Informed Community Schools at Cherokee Point Elementary trained 12 parents about ACEs, the neurobiology of toxic stress and resilience-building practices, and those parents translated the information into Spanish and are training other parents. For about a year, The Family Center in Nashville, TN, has included an ACEs module in parenting classes for moms and dads in prison, or for those mandated by a judge to take the class. (I'll be writing about this in a separate blog post soon.) Echo Parenting & Education just announced today that it will be including ACE and resilience surveys in their parenting classes. Here's their reasoning:

 

Knowing your ACE score (and the corresponding resilience score) is part of creating the coherent narrative of your childhood. Often, experiences that create toxic stress have been dismissed or considered part of everyday life. The first ACEs question asks: "Did a parent or other adult in the house often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?" Many of us could give a resounding "Yes!" to that question and without really understanding how harmful these things can be, may fall into the same patterns when it comes to parenting our own children.

 

 

  

      

 

 

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Thank you too for sharing Russell.  Whilst strongly reacting to what you wrote, on the positive side,  I also think we as a society must have come a long way.

I felt happy for your feeling strong about being open about being sexually abused; sad for pain I could sense and angry that you had to go through that pain - twice.

Once for the actual abuse.  I think it has been even more taboo for men to say it has happened to them.  It definitely sexualises a child - how it plays out can be different for everyone.

Secondly that you felt the shame of what happened to you. And now you're finally feeling that the shame wasn't yours to carry in life and doing something empowering for yourself and helpful for others with this understanding.

Just how our society (I can only speak of western) managers/managed to make the victims feel the shame is truly gobsmacking... An antiquated belief from Freudian times that gave permission for it to continue for decades. - Remembering that Freud in fact retracted his findings on the prevalence of wide spread sexual abuse. 

That's, I guess, the good part of this.  That finally people are 'coming out' about what happened to them, because they are able to throw off the shackles of shame.  That the focus and shame is turned to the rightful owners - the perpetrators.

Swinging back to my anger position(!) it  just begs the question: why is it us that has to have self forgiveness and self compassion?!  Ah, move on the times!

May you use your energy and be acknowledged in a positive way with the NZ  Ministry for Health submission for the self righteousness/entitlement(!) you should feel in giving it back to society that what happened was not ok, was never ok and certainly is unforgivable if it is allowed these days to ever, ever blame the victim!  Even in the most subtle of ways...

 

thank you for so much sharing
I came to the decision not to have children as part of my decisioin, walking home alone from my First Holy Communion at age 10 that I would never have "much of a life" (not an unusual sort of negative thinking for someone from such a background, used  to "internalising" problems) -- all the normal things (normal, happy,  family, children ...) were beyond me I thought -- but that I would try to do what I could so that others from my sort of background miight have those things -- and I've tried to do that. Including, at age 60, sharing more of myself than I  ever have before -- 'publicly" in a submission to the NZ Ministry of Health, which I've also put on my website, after "coming out" a couple of years ago as a victim of childhood sexual abuse -- and why not "come out", it's what happened, nothing for me to be ashamed of, and somebody might benefit from hearing it, a lot more than it might cost me to not be open about it -- though I respect anyone's right to not do so as they choose. You do your best, at that time, however limited that might be in some 'objective' sense -- self-compassion, and self-forgiveness are vital, for individuals, for parents, for us all.
 
 
Originally Posted by Mem Lang:

An interesting conversation on such a pertinent topic.

I believe Russel, anyone who feels responsibility for their children, etc is going to experience very similar emotions, be they the mother or father.  Both are human! Men speaking about their experiences is a relatively new thing, therefore an expanding field for those in such a position to write about.  It's so important they do so.  It normalises those men/fathers going through the emotions and gives credibility and language that it's ok to do so.

I have grappled with the people who are so aware and sensitive to what happened to them that they don't want children.  Whilst I understand this, sometimes I think it is those people who 'should' have children, because they've already demonstrated the fact that they are very aware of the pitfalls, etc. have the empathy and compassion, whilst many who aren't go ahead and have them, with mixed results!  I look at these people who made the hard decision not to have children, and so often think, but you are the ones who would be such great parents.  Albeit at an enormous emotional cost. But as it has been said, often these childless people do amazingly helpful things that may not be possible, had they had children.  Certainly the expectation that one 'must' have children is no longer there. A radical change in opinion in such a short space of (socially) historic time.

Most of my friends worked full time, so I figured, even with 3 children I could and should too.  Show resilience. Only they had quite a different background...  Not the high ACEs etc and continual abuse from family of origin to contend with.  But if I'm honest, and I think honesty is called for here, it's also because it was such a hard and painfully lonely job of staying with the children, that pushed me out of the house.  A feeling of engaging with the world and being surrounded by some normalcy - 'normal' functional people so that I could bring that home and be a better parent.

Did it actually work?  Hmm. I think I did an ok job in both work and child raising.  I know now what my priorities would be if I had my time again, but at the time it was truly the best I could do.   I know I could've passed for the 'good enough' parenting, but I also know I could've done so much better. I have to live with this... Hindsight of course is such a wonderful thing, but I think it's worth reflecting on for others.  I would've worked less and found more supportive people that were in a similar position to me, but were making healthy lifestyle choices, etc.  I would've read more to them, played more and been much more emotionally available to them... mirroring, etc etc etc!!

So in the end, I've ended up doing an ok job instead of good in one area.  How does that pan out in the world of judging if you've done well in your life or not?!  Pedantic question of course.

So this book is hopefully the start many in supporting parents from such backgrounds and to hopefully 'catch' them in the very beginning - before their first child, so that they have time and emotional and intellectual space to be further done the track of awareness of what it means to be 'there' for your child.

I remember my mother snapping (sorry but she did snap, not talk!!), "But anyone can have a child!" and my thinking there's a few things wrong with this statement.  I think she said it to avoid teenage pregnancy on my part.  I would now say to her:

"Maybe so, but not everyone can bring up a child successfully so that they're happy and healthy.  That is the real challenge."

Overshared? Possibly, to the detriment of myself as well (!) but this conversation needs to be out there, I think.

 

 

Beautifully said! Wonderful to read!

Would I have changed my position (i.e. to be childless)?

I think part of me says β€œyes” but most of me says β€œno” as I have achieved a lot.

Or perhaps the best answer would be β€œyes” if I could have children now with all that I have learned (and will learn).
Janet



Janet Peters
New Zealand Liaison
The International Initiative for Mental Health Leadership
www.iimhl.com <http://www.iimhl.com/> β€˜Lead the change you want to see’
Registered Psychologist
Email janet@janetpeters.co.nz
Website: www.janetpeters.co.nz
Phone 0064 7 5755144
Mobile 0064 0274722212










> On 1/11/2015, at 1:07 pm, ACEsConnection <communitymanager@acesconnection.com> wrote:
>

An interesting conversation on such a pertinent topic.

I believe Russel, anyone who feels responsibility for their children, etc is going to experience very similar emotions, be they the mother or father.  Both are human! Men speaking about their experiences is a relatively new thing, therefore an expanding field for those in such a position to write about.  It's so important they do so.  It normalises those men/fathers going through the emotions and gives credibility and language that it's ok to do so.

I have grappled with the people who are so aware and sensitive to what happened to them that they don't want children.  Whilst I understand this, sometimes I think it is those people who 'should' have children, because they've already demonstrated the fact that they are very aware of the pitfalls, etc. have the empathy and compassion, whilst many who aren't go ahead and have them, with mixed results!  I look at these people who made the hard decision not to have children, and so often think, but you are the ones who would be such great parents.  Albeit at an enormous emotional cost. But as it has been said, often these childless people do amazingly helpful things that may not be possible, had they had children.  Certainly the expectation that one 'must' have children is no longer there. A radical change in opinion in such a short space of (socially) historic time.

Most of my friends worked full time, so I figured, even with 3 children I could and should too.  Show resilience. Only they had quite a different background...  Not the high ACEs etc and continual abuse from family of origin to contend with.  But if I'm honest, and I think honesty is called for here, it's also because it was such a hard and painfully lonely job of staying with the children, that pushed me out of the house.  A feeling of engaging with the world and being surrounded by some normalcy - 'normal' functional people so that I could bring that home and be a better parent.

Did it actually work?  Hmm. I think I did an ok job in both work and child raising.  I know now what my priorities would be if I had my time again, but at the time it was truly the best I could do.   I know I could've passed for the 'good enough' parenting, but I also know I could've done so much better. I have to live with this... Hindsight of course is such a wonderful thing, but I think it's worth reflecting on for others.  I would've worked less and found more supportive people that were in a similar position to me, but were making healthy lifestyle choices, etc.  I would've read more to them, played more and been much more emotionally available to them... mirroring, etc etc etc!!

So in the end, I've ended up doing an ok job instead of good in one area.  How does that pan out in the world of judging if you've done well in your life or not?!  Pedantic question of course.

So this book is hopefully the start many in supporting parents from such backgrounds and to hopefully 'catch' them in the very beginning - before their first child, so that they have time and emotional and intellectual space to be further done the track of awareness of what it means to be 'there' for your child.

I remember my mother snapping (sorry but she did snap, not talk!!), "But anyone can have a child!" and my thinking there's a few things wrong with this statement.  I think she said it to avoid teenage pregnancy on my part.  I would now say to her:

"Maybe so, but not everyone can bring up a child successfully so that they're happy and healthy.  That is the real challenge."

Overshared? Possibly, to the detriment of myself as well (!) but this conversation needs to be out there, I think.

 

Originally Posted by Christine Cissy White:
Russel,
It was harder to find men to write about parenting with an abuse history. There are two men who contributed but I know the authors hoped for more and will seek out more in the next anthology. Please link to the resource and that info. can be shared on the site for other survivor parents. I know I'd love to learn more.
Cissy
It seems most  that are "having their"  in the ACEs community are women, but I hope the needs of men are not neglected, including in this area of parenting. There is research recently indicating how extra stressful being a father can be if one has an ACEs history - -  naturally, in our daily lives, some of us also have friends who are from ACEs backgrounds who are having problems with parenting due to their histories.

 

sorry for mucking that last post, written on my phone, in bed, after 2am -- I meant "having their say" -- bit lonely for us guys, I wish more would, but fwiw this is the article I was referring to, in a recent issue of Infant Mental Health Journal by Skjothaug, if people know DOIs 10.1002/imhj.21485  if people don't mind abbreviated url's  http://goo.gl/wV88Kd   it's about how fathers with ACEs can suffer anxiety, and depression, during their partner's pregnancy -- no doubt contributing to maternal distress, perhaps, etc etc -- imagine -- all for carers to understand and support both parents complementary needs ariisng from prior dysfunctional attachments, I suppose. If this field is like that of marital therapy -- a lot of men don't talk about such things, until prompted to, during "their partner's" therapy -- on behalf of my fellow men -- "sorry"

Russel,
It was harder to find men to write about parenting with an abuse history. There are two men who contributed but I know the authors hoped for more and will seek out more in the next anthology. Please link to the resource and that info. can be shared on the site for other survivor parents. I know I'd love to learn more.
Cissy
It seems most  that are "having their"  in the ACEs community are women, but I hope the needs of men are not neglected, including in this area of parenting. There is research recently indicating how extra stressful being a father can be if one has an ACEs history - -  naturally, in our daily lives, some of us also have friends who are from ACEs backgrounds who are having problems with parenting due to their histories.

 

It seems most  that are "having their"  in the ACEs community are women, but I hope the needs of men are not neglected, including in this area of parenting. There is research recently indicating how extra stressful being a father can be if one has an ACEs history - -  naturally, in our daily lives, some of us also have friends who are from ACEs backgrounds who are having problems with parenting due to their histories.
Jane,
This is such an important issue. Personally and in the work we are all doing. 
 
I think few doing ACE advocacy work, professionally have kids.
 
And those that have kids with high ACES are often not well represented, under employed or unemployed. These conversations are so important in the work we are all doing, for our own children but also for break-the-cycle parenting efforts in general. This is where even within our high ace scoring community, we are living with high aces quite differently.
 
Those of with high ACES sometimes have no kids, or make huge decisions in how to parent (number of children or way of creating a family or giving up careers to balance caretaking which can be trying and triggering). And that's not always possible. Some of us avoid the kid thing forever or for a while or decide it's not healthy for us or our future offspring to be parents. These are big issues.
 
And I wonder how this shows up in the work and if it's part of the reason there is almost nothing for parent survivors? Those doing the parenting and those creating policy and/or doing advocacy are often not living anything close to a shared present experience.That's important for how social policy gets shaped and maybe even how there are big gaps and misses in what people think survivor parents need and crave and require and what we do actually need, crave and require. 
 
And then add class and race issues and the lack of extended family in as well. There's LOTS of room for study and sharing of experiences. I hope this book becomes a bridge/tool for those working with parent survivors and break-the-cycle parents and those raising children. The goal for all of us, to eliminate ACES is the same but the ways we choose to do so and the ways we can make impact vary greatly and one big reason is parenting or not parenting and the impact of parenting on high ace scores and the impact of our high ace scores on our parenting and our children. 
 
Not easy conversations but needed ones. 

And there's so much joy and grief in decisions to break the cycle however that gets done. But there are losses as well. At least that's how I see it. 
Cissy

Thanks, Janet. And now, three of us, Russell. I, also, didn't have children because I didn't want to pass on emotional neglect, among other ACEs. I think that's a difficult one to un-trigger.

 

Janet,
Thank you for this honest comment. This is not an uncommon experience. Many share it and while some have not had kids at all, others have limited the number, or balancing work as well as it is too difficult to navigate while parenting, or have made adjustments in ways of parenting (I adopted). This rarely gets talked about but I have not met ONE high ace scoring parent who works full time and parents. I've met many parents and many professionals and ZERO who do both. The life work balance is difficult for everyone. But so far, as far as I've seen, it's just not possible for high ACE scoring parents. My view is that is because to break the cycle, parenting is work of career like devotion. It's unlearning what we did learn, practicing what wasn't provided and is sometimes not intuitive and having less than normal extended family support or maybe even contact. I'm glad this book is coming out. I appreciate and respect your decision. In an ideal world, there would be more support and education and accessible info. so more choices would be available while healthy.
Cissy

A wonderful concept - and also the reason that I chose not to have children - I didn't want my own high score to affect a child. Well done Jane! From Janet from NZ.

 

Originally Posted by Janet Louise Peters:

A wonderful concept - and also the reason that I chose not to have children - I didn't want my own high score to affect a child. Well done Jane! From Janet from NZ.

that makes two of us -- a great tragedy in some ways that we should miss that opportunity, but we've managed to contribute in other ways, because of learning about our high ACEs scores, in the face of much opposition at times from people who don't have our "innate sensitivity and understanding", I truly find it highly admirable to be able to be a responsible parent despite the "baggage" one must carry sometimes.

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